A month later

So to bring everyone up to date on my requirements, I am back doing pushups, the truck accident I had hurt my left shoulder and neck and I missed a couple of months, catching up is going to be rough but I am doing half my pushups full and the other half the numbers are girly pushups ... this has set me back pretty far.

Sit ups I am doing okay, the accident didn't really impact them at all.

My Tai Chi form is looking alot better but I have not met the requirements I set, although its still improved significantly even if I haven't got the numbers. Good thing I chose this one as it is actually good for an injured back/neck/shoulder. Should have done more ... looking back I can see opportunities that I missed to achieve those numbers. Mentally I have given myself a good swift kick in the pants.

The goals I set for dancing are coming along okay but the smooth dances where you have to stretch and arch were looking pretty lopsided on the left from the accident although they are better now. I have paid the fees etc. for the dance competition that my husband and I are entering in Vegas in October, we signed up for 96 competitive dances in four days ... stage fright (overcoming stage fright another goal) after that run should be a thing of the past. My goal for Silver in dancing may not happen by October (the goal) but I expect to have that done before the end of 2009.

I did compete in the Tiger Challenge for creative forms (another goal) , I really like the form I put together but I was not impressed with my performance of it. I will continue to work on it! I have to give myself a little pat on the back for actually doing it because I dreaded this performance. One small step ...

The biggest hole in my plans is for the leadership project ... I really need to focus on this for the last part of the year ... time is part of the issue ... but certainly not a reason to not do it. I so far have not been able to discover / come up with something that I am passionate about other than my loved ones, kung fu or dancing and how do you take this and make some sort of social impact and inspire others to get on board. I will research ... I will put the thought out there to the cosmos ... I am open to an opportunity.

I miss my girls alot!

Fun in the sun!

So our vacation was awesome, not only did I get to spend quality time with my husband & daughters, I also got to revisit my youth & take a wonderful motorcycle trip. There is something about riding a bike that can only be experienced. Everything is sharper, you not only get the incredible views (we rode through the mountains in BC) all 360 degrees, you get the smells of water, pine & cedar. The sounds of water, traffic & trains, the heat, the cold, its totally an 'in the now' experience. There is no bubble of metal & glass that insulates you from the experience. As a passenger I got to focus on it all while knowing that Dean (the husband) was taking care of the driving, something he seems to really enjoy. Each to his own! We met the girls in Hope BC and the next day got on the ferry for Pender Islands' Poets Cove Resort. Nice place, a cottage that has heated floors, jacuzzi's, pools, private hot tubs, spa service, views of the harbour and some really expensive boats, really nice restaurant etc. etc. A totally different type of holiday for us, we usually camp with tents. The best is that I was with my favorite people. I wish I could have video taped every moment as my girls are going to be in China for a long time ... with once a year (I hope) visits. I would have been able to play it all back when ever I got lonely for them but I will have to rely on photos and memory to comfort me while they are gone. We weirded out some of the people there what with doing pushups and situps and practicing forms but so what, it was wonderful. There was one evening where I sat and watched my daughter Melanie do her tai chi form against a backdrop of ocean and a beautiful sunset. I should have joined her but watching was so incredible that I didn't want to ruin the moment. I hope that everyone captures some moments like the ones that I gathered this year, children grow up & get on with their lives, which is the way it should be, just remember cherish these quality times with loved ones.

Chit Chat

It's been busy and unfortunately due to my vehicle accident I can now state that I am behind on my pushups but gaining on my numbers for the tai chi form as it has been pretty much all I can do this last month. A benefit is that although I can't take on anything to strenous for awhile Sifu Freitag worked with us injured black belts on Friday on Mu Long Koon (not sure of the spelling) and I learned alot ... it was totally awesome. So even if you are broken it is worth getting to class.

I have been attempting to take on Sifu Mckinleys challenge and having some issues;

Number 1 & 2 : The challenge is that sometimes I spend the whole day driving around alone, or dealing with this problem or that, or with my head buried in my work and don't even notice an hour go by. Poor Dean (husband) wondered what was going on as I spent a large part of my day working with him and he was starting to wonder what I was setting him up for with all the compliments and acts of kindness he was getting. Tonight and tommorrow night I am writing the heart felt letter (#3) and making a graditude list (#4), Wednesday should be intersting as I have to hug 10 different people and I am not normally the huggy type. Wish me luck!

10 more sleeps until our vacation, we (Brandi, Melanie Dean & I) are going out to Pender Island for a 5 day vacation. The girls are taking the truck and Dean and I are riding the motorcycle. For anyone that rides motorcycles well this is a dream, all those winding roads make the ride a real rush. Not to mention incredible scenary and weather, what more could you ask for ... I am really exicited about it. Plus this is my last chance to vacation with my girls for quite a while as they will be in China training in Kung Fu.

Today I went to the bank and began the process of paying their tuition, very complicated what with canadian dollars and chinese yuan and a total pain, but you gotta do what you gotta do. So I guess this means that they are really going ... I've been avoiding the issue as much as I can. I am very proud of both of them for being so brave and ambitious and totally freaked out about the time committment and the fact that its in China, across an entire ocean and god knows how many time zones. Brandi took pity on me and bought a web cam and set the computer at work up on something called skype so we can talk and actually see each other so hopefully the empty nest syndrome won't be as bad as last time. My husband sincerely hopes so.

Sorry nothing brilliant to say, no epiphany's or deep realizations just chit chat.

Pondering

I have accomplished one more thing in my seemingly endless and challenging list of things to get done in 09. My husband and I did a solo foxtrot routine at the Arthur Murray Dance Event on May 30th. One more step on the path to overcoming fear and mastering ballroom dancing. So I heard the first bar of music ... and did the opening moves and then well awareness flickered in and out after that. Its a good thing my husband is the lead and has very good timing, all I have to do is follow.

Its kind of weird how it goes. When Dean (husband) and I are learning a routine I am not in the midst of stage fright and it can be a struggle. I think I know what step is coming next and I go there ... I do not wait for anyone to lead me. I have a very hard time waiting for the lead, I anticipate and change weight when I shouldn't and don't change when I should, I make committed moves, turn my upper body in anticipation of where the routine will go, do not lead with my feet only, (no shifting of weight) and do not maintain my centre over the foot (feet) that I am standing on. Well regardless it can get pretty messy.

My husband actually told me that I follow better when I am suffering from stage fright and can't even focus enough to hear the music, then I follow the lead like I should, I don't make committed moves because I can't remember them and I don't anticipate ... I wait!!! So there is a lesson in this somewhere ... something that works in dancing, kung fu and life.

I am pondering, I just can't quite grasp or verbalize it yet ...

Epiphany and Stupidity

So I had one (epiphany) ... and it has to do with the word intensity.

Sifu Brinker has used this word when speaking to me and/or us like how many times ... and I realized about a week after his talk at the sehing class a couple of weeks ago about being emotional when sparring/fighting that I have not been getting the message that he was sending.

It all has to do with what the word intensity encompasses for me. Previous to my epiphany ... I had the word intensity linked with emotional. It meant out of control emotions, like wow that person is intense, which to me in my growing up years I had to deal with alot and it really left some emotional scarring. I avoided people that were intense (out of control emotional) like the plague, unless of course they are relatives which you actually have to deal with. I never trusted people that revealed too much intensity (emotional highs and lows), they were unreliable and on the verge of loosing control. So to me the word intense had some very negative conotations and unpleasant memories.

I have struggled my whole life to overcome the genetics and behaviours that I learned during my growing up, emotional outbursts, yelling, and a fight to the death type of arguing that has nothing to do with reason and everything to do with ego. So whenever Sifu Brinker started talking about intensity I was resistant, it appeared to lead down a path I did not want to go.

My point is that the intensity that Sifu Brinker talks about and requires that every black belt to attain is all about control and focus. Over emotional out of control behaviour is the opposite of what he defines as intensity. Sifu Brinkers definition is what I refer to as 'serious'. If its serious in my books it requires focus and attention, it needs to be taken seriously.

After my epiphany I realized that intensity is intellectual (mental focus, mastering technique, etc.) and heart (the desire, the passion for the art). Wow, what a relief!

So how long have I been studying martial arts and learning from Sifu Brinker ... its been a long, long, time. I guess I'm a slow learner! Better late than never.

Now that Master McNeils visit is over and its business as usual I thought it would be the perfect time to show Sifu Brinker and Sifu Freitag the form that I created. Unfortunately at work yesterday I hurt my back (stupidity)and could not stand up right. Brandi used the pounding poi technique that Master McNeil taught us and I can now stand up almost straight (I have a slight bend and limp and may actually need to use the cane I have at home). The pain however is signficantly less (much appreciated Master McNeil & Brandi) and I have a treatment booked with my physiotherapist who is treating me for a back injury I got a month ago when a lady hit my truck from the side. So much for my lightning fast kungfu reflexes, but in my defense I never saw her coming or believe me I would have dodged/ducked whatever. Honestly life is silly sometimes, this goes back to the last post with curve balls.

Talk to you soon ...

Appreciate yourself

I think the trick to staying sane when life is throwing you curve balls so fast that ducking is redundant is to not loose your ability to appreciate the weird and ridiculous.

Most of the time the most weird and ridiculous person you will know is yourself, all the strange quirks in your personality and hiccups in your thinking processes.


For example, in my own mind, I always know what to say, I always win arguments with my incredible logic, I always have the last word. Long after the event/conversation is over I mentally reproduce and redirect the whole thing so that I come out looking intelligent, well spoken and reasonable. Of course the reality (which I am still in contact with) is that I was over emotional, incoherent and totally unreasonable (which I am also aware of). The funny part is that both of these things are going on at the same time.



A strange cultural belief ... perhaps!


I entertain by the Ukraninan womans rule that there can never be too much food. Everyone must waddle away from the table, waistbands unbuttoned, with recycled margarine containers full of leftovers. If I have not achieved this I have failed as a hostess.



Strange personality quirk? Philisophical belief?


I believe in responsibilty ... everyone (me included) is responsible for all the successes and failures they have had in their lives. Once you become an adult you have choices and the ability to make them ... non action is a choice.


The word 'submit' is not in my vocabulary, 'compromise' is.


Have an adventure at least once a year! Its good for your soul!


So am I weird? Most people would think so ...


The trick is to keep all of this in perspective and not take yourself (ego) too seriously, while still giving 100% to those things you deem important. A tough balancing act, but worth it.

Its all about meeeeee

So here I am again ... having missed 3 weeks worth of journaling one of the most frustrating challenges I have set for myself. I am NOT shy, I get up in front of groups of people and teach them all kinds of safety programs. Smile at me and I will start up a conversation, in fact I will just butt in with my opinion. I verbalize everything, I talk my way through forms, mutter at myself when I am working, you would think journalling and doing a form at the tiger challenge would be a piece of cake.

Not so! When I journal I have to think and plan what to say, not just respond as you do in conversation. Journalling I possibly have a huge unknown audience, I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, I want a wide variety of people to understand, I need to have a "message". The next worry is, if I talk too much about my success am I bragging? If I talk too much about my problems am I whinning? Oh the pressure.

So here goes, its all about me ...

I was terrified to do the creative forms at the tiger challenge, I know that part of the reason is that it matters so much to me ... so far I have been unable to just take this in stride and not worry. I work myself up to a level of anxiety that baffles my husband and daughters (both of whom also performed at the tiger challenge). They feel sorry for me and try to help but they are still not understanding what the big deal is. But regardless of how much this scares me I made myself do it. Was it fun? Nope, it took a 1/2 hour after I finished before I stopped shaking. Do I remember actually doing the form? Nope, I may have done Kempo or 18 temple motions for all I know.

I had a few moments of lucidity, I remember the first two moves of my form, withdrawing into a cat stance at one point and hearing the music that I was using with my form, I remember getting a medal ... what the scores were I have no idea. I remember Master Brinker saying that they (the judges) were proud of me as most of them know I find this type of thing scary. My response to that I believe was just a .. thank god thats over .. numb gaze but I am not sure.

My daughters told me later that what I performed was not exactly the form that I had been dilegently practicing, but looked good (this is love speaking). So I guess that an opinion on the quality of the form itself (minus the performance factor) is not likely as no one at the tiger challenge actually saw it as I designed it.

Rats! I spent alot of time putting the form together and I really do want some feed back from Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag therefore I will have to show them the form as I designed it and see what they say. Still scary but certainly do able.

The real question is why do I do this to myself? What does it matter if I'm scared, this affects no one but me.

I will not live my life afraid of heights, spiders or performing in public. So I climb ladders and work on scaffolding, desensitizing myself to the feeling of vertigo and anxiety that I get when I am up high. I will remove from my home or kill my own spiders (I will have to, the girls are going to be in China for 5 years and my husband works very long hours). I will do public performances for martial arts (next tiger challenge; forms, weapon forms and creative musical forms) and ballroom dancing (May 30th, 2009 and at a huge international event in Las Vegas in October of 2009).

Are there any logical reasons for my fear. I have never fallen from any type of ladder or decking. I have never been viciously attacked by any spiders. So there is no logical reason for the fear. At least with the performance part I have failed spectacularily in the past, but still the level of anxiety is ridiculous based on the consequences.

This situation actually makes me angry and stubborn and mean (my standard response to fear). I will master this or else!

Fear must always be faced, even though I have no understanding of why I am afraid, the act of doing minimizes the fear, baby steps are acceptable, not taking action to conquer/master the fear is not.

Next year my performances will be much better. I will actually enjoy the experience.

Best regards and thanks to everyone who help me with this challange.

P.S. I will be contacting Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag to schedule some time with them to show them my form.