I think the trick to staying sane when life is throwing you curve balls so fast that ducking is redundant is to not loose your ability to appreciate the weird and ridiculous.
Most of the time the most weird and ridiculous person you will know is yourself, all the strange quirks in your personality and hiccups in your thinking processes.
For example, in my own mind, I always know what to say, I always win arguments with my incredible logic, I always have the last word. Long after the event/conversation is over I mentally reproduce and redirect the whole thing so that I come out looking intelligent, well spoken and reasonable. Of course the reality (which I am still in contact with) is that I was over emotional, incoherent and totally unreasonable (which I am also aware of). The funny part is that both of these things are going on at the same time.
A strange cultural belief ... perhaps!
I entertain by the Ukraninan womans rule that there can never be too much food. Everyone must waddle away from the table, waistbands unbuttoned, with recycled margarine containers full of leftovers. If I have not achieved this I have failed as a hostess.
Strange personality quirk? Philisophical belief?
I believe in responsibilty ... everyone (me included) is responsible for all the successes and failures they have had in their lives. Once you become an adult you have choices and the ability to make them ... non action is a choice.
The word 'submit' is not in my vocabulary, 'compromise' is.
Have an adventure at least once a year! Its good for your soul!
So am I weird? Most people would think so ...
The trick is to keep all of this in perspective and not take yourself (ego) too seriously, while still giving 100% to those things you deem important. A tough balancing act, but worth it.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Its all about meeeeee
So here I am again ... having missed 3 weeks worth of journaling one of the most frustrating challenges I have set for myself. I am NOT shy, I get up in front of groups of people and teach them all kinds of safety programs. Smile at me and I will start up a conversation, in fact I will just butt in with my opinion. I verbalize everything, I talk my way through forms, mutter at myself when I am working, you would think journalling and doing a form at the tiger challenge would be a piece of cake.
Not so! When I journal I have to think and plan what to say, not just respond as you do in conversation. Journalling I possibly have a huge unknown audience, I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, I want a wide variety of people to understand, I need to have a "message". The next worry is, if I talk too much about my success am I bragging? If I talk too much about my problems am I whinning? Oh the pressure.
So here goes, its all about me ...
I was terrified to do the creative forms at the tiger challenge, I know that part of the reason is that it matters so much to me ... so far I have been unable to just take this in stride and not worry. I work myself up to a level of anxiety that baffles my husband and daughters (both of whom also performed at the tiger challenge). They feel sorry for me and try to help but they are still not understanding what the big deal is. But regardless of how much this scares me I made myself do it. Was it fun? Nope, it took a 1/2 hour after I finished before I stopped shaking. Do I remember actually doing the form? Nope, I may have done Kempo or 18 temple motions for all I know.
I had a few moments of lucidity, I remember the first two moves of my form, withdrawing into a cat stance at one point and hearing the music that I was using with my form, I remember getting a medal ... what the scores were I have no idea. I remember Master Brinker saying that they (the judges) were proud of me as most of them know I find this type of thing scary. My response to that I believe was just a .. thank god thats over .. numb gaze but I am not sure.
My daughters told me later that what I performed was not exactly the form that I had been dilegently practicing, but looked good (this is love speaking). So I guess that an opinion on the quality of the form itself (minus the performance factor) is not likely as no one at the tiger challenge actually saw it as I designed it.
Rats! I spent alot of time putting the form together and I really do want some feed back from Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag therefore I will have to show them the form as I designed it and see what they say. Still scary but certainly do able.
The real question is why do I do this to myself? What does it matter if I'm scared, this affects no one but me.
I will not live my life afraid of heights, spiders or performing in public. So I climb ladders and work on scaffolding, desensitizing myself to the feeling of vertigo and anxiety that I get when I am up high. I will remove from my home or kill my own spiders (I will have to, the girls are going to be in China for 5 years and my husband works very long hours). I will do public performances for martial arts (next tiger challenge; forms, weapon forms and creative musical forms) and ballroom dancing (May 30th, 2009 and at a huge international event in Las Vegas in October of 2009).
Are there any logical reasons for my fear. I have never fallen from any type of ladder or decking. I have never been viciously attacked by any spiders. So there is no logical reason for the fear. At least with the performance part I have failed spectacularily in the past, but still the level of anxiety is ridiculous based on the consequences.
This situation actually makes me angry and stubborn and mean (my standard response to fear). I will master this or else!
Fear must always be faced, even though I have no understanding of why I am afraid, the act of doing minimizes the fear, baby steps are acceptable, not taking action to conquer/master the fear is not.
Next year my performances will be much better. I will actually enjoy the experience.
Best regards and thanks to everyone who help me with this challange.
P.S. I will be contacting Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag to schedule some time with them to show them my form.
Not so! When I journal I have to think and plan what to say, not just respond as you do in conversation. Journalling I possibly have a huge unknown audience, I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, I want a wide variety of people to understand, I need to have a "message". The next worry is, if I talk too much about my success am I bragging? If I talk too much about my problems am I whinning? Oh the pressure.
So here goes, its all about me ...
I was terrified to do the creative forms at the tiger challenge, I know that part of the reason is that it matters so much to me ... so far I have been unable to just take this in stride and not worry. I work myself up to a level of anxiety that baffles my husband and daughters (both of whom also performed at the tiger challenge). They feel sorry for me and try to help but they are still not understanding what the big deal is. But regardless of how much this scares me I made myself do it. Was it fun? Nope, it took a 1/2 hour after I finished before I stopped shaking. Do I remember actually doing the form? Nope, I may have done Kempo or 18 temple motions for all I know.
I had a few moments of lucidity, I remember the first two moves of my form, withdrawing into a cat stance at one point and hearing the music that I was using with my form, I remember getting a medal ... what the scores were I have no idea. I remember Master Brinker saying that they (the judges) were proud of me as most of them know I find this type of thing scary. My response to that I believe was just a .. thank god thats over .. numb gaze but I am not sure.
My daughters told me later that what I performed was not exactly the form that I had been dilegently practicing, but looked good (this is love speaking). So I guess that an opinion on the quality of the form itself (minus the performance factor) is not likely as no one at the tiger challenge actually saw it as I designed it.
Rats! I spent alot of time putting the form together and I really do want some feed back from Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag therefore I will have to show them the form as I designed it and see what they say. Still scary but certainly do able.
The real question is why do I do this to myself? What does it matter if I'm scared, this affects no one but me.
I will not live my life afraid of heights, spiders or performing in public. So I climb ladders and work on scaffolding, desensitizing myself to the feeling of vertigo and anxiety that I get when I am up high. I will remove from my home or kill my own spiders (I will have to, the girls are going to be in China for 5 years and my husband works very long hours). I will do public performances for martial arts (next tiger challenge; forms, weapon forms and creative musical forms) and ballroom dancing (May 30th, 2009 and at a huge international event in Las Vegas in October of 2009).
Are there any logical reasons for my fear. I have never fallen from any type of ladder or decking. I have never been viciously attacked by any spiders. So there is no logical reason for the fear. At least with the performance part I have failed spectacularily in the past, but still the level of anxiety is ridiculous based on the consequences.
This situation actually makes me angry and stubborn and mean (my standard response to fear). I will master this or else!
Fear must always be faced, even though I have no understanding of why I am afraid, the act of doing minimizes the fear, baby steps are acceptable, not taking action to conquer/master the fear is not.
Next year my performances will be much better. I will actually enjoy the experience.
Best regards and thanks to everyone who help me with this challange.
P.S. I will be contacting Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag to schedule some time with them to show them my form.
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