Epiphany and Stupidity

So I had one (epiphany) ... and it has to do with the word intensity.

Sifu Brinker has used this word when speaking to me and/or us like how many times ... and I realized about a week after his talk at the sehing class a couple of weeks ago about being emotional when sparring/fighting that I have not been getting the message that he was sending.

It all has to do with what the word intensity encompasses for me. Previous to my epiphany ... I had the word intensity linked with emotional. It meant out of control emotions, like wow that person is intense, which to me in my growing up years I had to deal with alot and it really left some emotional scarring. I avoided people that were intense (out of control emotional) like the plague, unless of course they are relatives which you actually have to deal with. I never trusted people that revealed too much intensity (emotional highs and lows), they were unreliable and on the verge of loosing control. So to me the word intense had some very negative conotations and unpleasant memories.

I have struggled my whole life to overcome the genetics and behaviours that I learned during my growing up, emotional outbursts, yelling, and a fight to the death type of arguing that has nothing to do with reason and everything to do with ego. So whenever Sifu Brinker started talking about intensity I was resistant, it appeared to lead down a path I did not want to go.

My point is that the intensity that Sifu Brinker talks about and requires that every black belt to attain is all about control and focus. Over emotional out of control behaviour is the opposite of what he defines as intensity. Sifu Brinkers definition is what I refer to as 'serious'. If its serious in my books it requires focus and attention, it needs to be taken seriously.

After my epiphany I realized that intensity is intellectual (mental focus, mastering technique, etc.) and heart (the desire, the passion for the art). Wow, what a relief!

So how long have I been studying martial arts and learning from Sifu Brinker ... its been a long, long, time. I guess I'm a slow learner! Better late than never.

Now that Master McNeils visit is over and its business as usual I thought it would be the perfect time to show Sifu Brinker and Sifu Freitag the form that I created. Unfortunately at work yesterday I hurt my back (stupidity)and could not stand up right. Brandi used the pounding poi technique that Master McNeil taught us and I can now stand up almost straight (I have a slight bend and limp and may actually need to use the cane I have at home). The pain however is signficantly less (much appreciated Master McNeil & Brandi) and I have a treatment booked with my physiotherapist who is treating me for a back injury I got a month ago when a lady hit my truck from the side. So much for my lightning fast kungfu reflexes, but in my defense I never saw her coming or believe me I would have dodged/ducked whatever. Honestly life is silly sometimes, this goes back to the last post with curve balls.

Talk to you soon ...

Appreciate yourself

I think the trick to staying sane when life is throwing you curve balls so fast that ducking is redundant is to not loose your ability to appreciate the weird and ridiculous.

Most of the time the most weird and ridiculous person you will know is yourself, all the strange quirks in your personality and hiccups in your thinking processes.


For example, in my own mind, I always know what to say, I always win arguments with my incredible logic, I always have the last word. Long after the event/conversation is over I mentally reproduce and redirect the whole thing so that I come out looking intelligent, well spoken and reasonable. Of course the reality (which I am still in contact with) is that I was over emotional, incoherent and totally unreasonable (which I am also aware of). The funny part is that both of these things are going on at the same time.



A strange cultural belief ... perhaps!


I entertain by the Ukraninan womans rule that there can never be too much food. Everyone must waddle away from the table, waistbands unbuttoned, with recycled margarine containers full of leftovers. If I have not achieved this I have failed as a hostess.



Strange personality quirk? Philisophical belief?


I believe in responsibilty ... everyone (me included) is responsible for all the successes and failures they have had in their lives. Once you become an adult you have choices and the ability to make them ... non action is a choice.


The word 'submit' is not in my vocabulary, 'compromise' is.


Have an adventure at least once a year! Its good for your soul!


So am I weird? Most people would think so ...


The trick is to keep all of this in perspective and not take yourself (ego) too seriously, while still giving 100% to those things you deem important. A tough balancing act, but worth it.

Its all about meeeeee

So here I am again ... having missed 3 weeks worth of journaling one of the most frustrating challenges I have set for myself. I am NOT shy, I get up in front of groups of people and teach them all kinds of safety programs. Smile at me and I will start up a conversation, in fact I will just butt in with my opinion. I verbalize everything, I talk my way through forms, mutter at myself when I am working, you would think journalling and doing a form at the tiger challenge would be a piece of cake.

Not so! When I journal I have to think and plan what to say, not just respond as you do in conversation. Journalling I possibly have a huge unknown audience, I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, I want a wide variety of people to understand, I need to have a "message". The next worry is, if I talk too much about my success am I bragging? If I talk too much about my problems am I whinning? Oh the pressure.

So here goes, its all about me ...

I was terrified to do the creative forms at the tiger challenge, I know that part of the reason is that it matters so much to me ... so far I have been unable to just take this in stride and not worry. I work myself up to a level of anxiety that baffles my husband and daughters (both of whom also performed at the tiger challenge). They feel sorry for me and try to help but they are still not understanding what the big deal is. But regardless of how much this scares me I made myself do it. Was it fun? Nope, it took a 1/2 hour after I finished before I stopped shaking. Do I remember actually doing the form? Nope, I may have done Kempo or 18 temple motions for all I know.

I had a few moments of lucidity, I remember the first two moves of my form, withdrawing into a cat stance at one point and hearing the music that I was using with my form, I remember getting a medal ... what the scores were I have no idea. I remember Master Brinker saying that they (the judges) were proud of me as most of them know I find this type of thing scary. My response to that I believe was just a .. thank god thats over .. numb gaze but I am not sure.

My daughters told me later that what I performed was not exactly the form that I had been dilegently practicing, but looked good (this is love speaking). So I guess that an opinion on the quality of the form itself (minus the performance factor) is not likely as no one at the tiger challenge actually saw it as I designed it.

Rats! I spent alot of time putting the form together and I really do want some feed back from Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag therefore I will have to show them the form as I designed it and see what they say. Still scary but certainly do able.

The real question is why do I do this to myself? What does it matter if I'm scared, this affects no one but me.

I will not live my life afraid of heights, spiders or performing in public. So I climb ladders and work on scaffolding, desensitizing myself to the feeling of vertigo and anxiety that I get when I am up high. I will remove from my home or kill my own spiders (I will have to, the girls are going to be in China for 5 years and my husband works very long hours). I will do public performances for martial arts (next tiger challenge; forms, weapon forms and creative musical forms) and ballroom dancing (May 30th, 2009 and at a huge international event in Las Vegas in October of 2009).

Are there any logical reasons for my fear. I have never fallen from any type of ladder or decking. I have never been viciously attacked by any spiders. So there is no logical reason for the fear. At least with the performance part I have failed spectacularily in the past, but still the level of anxiety is ridiculous based on the consequences.

This situation actually makes me angry and stubborn and mean (my standard response to fear). I will master this or else!

Fear must always be faced, even though I have no understanding of why I am afraid, the act of doing minimizes the fear, baby steps are acceptable, not taking action to conquer/master the fear is not.

Next year my performances will be much better. I will actually enjoy the experience.

Best regards and thanks to everyone who help me with this challange.

P.S. I will be contacting Master Brinker and Sifu Freitag to schedule some time with them to show them my form.

Party, Poetry, Tigers and Priorities.

The Party: I must admit that my 50th birthday was pretty awesome. On Friday the 20th, my daughters stole me away from work, Melanie covered the phones and Brandi drove me around, first for a hot stone massage (if you can I totally recommend it) then a manicure and pedicure, then a hair cut and style. So it was very much a pamper Terry day.

At about 4 o'clock we get home and alot of my family and friends were at the house to surprise me when I came in the door. The house was decorated ... they had a total ukranian dinner (perogies, cabbage rolls, borscht) it was delicious, and a dairy queen ice cream cake for desert. My sister-in-law Kim had everyone say something warm and fuzzy to me (very embarrassing, they tell me I can't take compliments very well) opened presents and cards. Then we all packed up and went to the legion in leduc where they had booked us a private room to party in with pool tables that were ours for the night. It is one of the best social venues, as you get a chance to play and talk with everyone at the party and I am not the sit and visit type, I need to be doing something. Everybody obviously put alot of thought into this as I know its kind of an odd line up but they are my favorite things. I must admit it was the BEST birthday party I have ever had. I floated and smiled for a solid week afterwards. Thanks to everyone who helped plan and organize the event.


The Poetry: There were a number of people that took up the challenge and submitted poems on kwoon talk and they are all very unique. It makes you realize that alot of people that you think you know, have hidden depths and quirky bits that you weren't really aware of before. It also made me realize that I am not the only one who loves the feeling of doing an form/technique well. I think for some of us the reward is the in the power, the technique, the challenge or a combination of the three. For me is the added bonus of how great it feels during and after doing kungfu, I truly hope that's true for everyone else as well.

Tiger Challenge: I have made some serious progress in the design of my form for the tiger challenge. It is a frustrating process as I keep changing my mind as to how it should flow ... there are so many options ... and for me it has to feel right. Each move has to flow from one move to the next ... then my analytcal side requires that logically is has to actually work and be effective. The attack has to make sense (how many attackers, where would they logically come from) ... the block and counter must respond sensibly and the positioning from one move to the next is critical, if the stepping is awkward it may not flow or be an effective response. Then there is the added factor of how much of the actual technique do I want to reveal in the form ... should it be straight forward and obvious (suits my personality) or should the technique be disguised allowing multiple interpretations of exactly what is happening. My daughters and husband tell me that I way overthink this type of stuff ... they may be right, but for me to be happy with it ... well it must meet all the criteria. So I will soldier on, eventually the left and right sides of my brain will be content that I have done the best that I can.

Priorities: I have listened to many of the UBBT members and Master Brinker talk about priorities and although logically it has entered the brain, the words went in, were processed etc. the reality is very little progress has been made in my behaviour. My current priorities are Dean, Brandi & Melanie, then work, home & life stuff that just needs to be taken care of, then comes the study and practice of Kung Fu and dancing.

Currently many of my family and work obligations are configured around the times that I have slotted for Kung Fu which is do able but does not appear to be sufficient to stay on top of all the committments that I have made as a black belt. When I do have spare time (which is rare) Kung Fu is not the first priority ... it is all the other committments that I have fallen behind on. I am constantly scrambling to meet all my obligations and the to do list just gets longer. Wa Wa

So what I have decided to do is for the next week I will be tracking in a note book exactly what I spend my time doing, so I can determine where I am going wrong and where I can eliminate or pare down or possibly hire or hand off to someone else some of these obligations and responsibilties. Wish me success.

I will keep you posted.

It's all about the feeling!

So it's my 50th today ... and I threw my challenge out there on kwoon talk like I said I would. It's all about how you feel when you practice a favorite form or technique, the goal is to appreciate that feeling and to do that you have to be paying attention so that you can recognize the experience. So to make that happen I challenged everyone to write a poem about it and then post it. Some of us are so focused on the moves and technique we forget to appreciate how good it FEELS.

In addition I think it will be a great experience for everyone reading the poems and offer alot of inspiration and if we manage a bunch of limiricks pretty funny too.

I provided a link to a poetry site so that if you have never written a poem before you have a place to begin. And I am sure that some people will go there and pick a very challenging style to write their poem in, which will be cool, but I also hope that some of the black dragons take this challenge, it is not super hard to write a poem and I would like to read the results I bet they will be awesome.

I am pretty rusty in the creative writing department as for the last few years its all been safety and technical stuff so this will be different and fun.

Talk to you all next week.

Just a Number

Apparently there are a number of us sifu's turning fifty years old in the month of March, which is comforting as I was feeling somewhat alone in this experience. So Sifu Shipalesky threw out the challenge of 1000 pushups and situps to be done on March 7th. I rose to the challenge, and for the first time (this was my third attempt), managed to do 1000 situps and 1000 pushups. The situps were easy, I wasn't even sore. The pushups were another story entirely. I got 600 done during the course of the day but I still had 400 to go when Kill Bill Vol 1 started. Doing 10 or 20 at a time through all the commercial breaks I worked through Kill Bill Vol 1 and Vol 2 and finally at 11:27 finished my thousand. Hurrah! As with Master Brinker at this point I could not lift my arms. Amazingly I was not nearly as sore as I thought I would be the following day(s), and time was more the factor in making this difficult to complete not just strength.

So as a soon to be member of the 50's club I am contemplating a challenge to toss into the ring, something fun but not too easy to accomplish. The wheels are turning, I will throw it out on Kwoon Talk on my Bday.

The whole concept of age is totally subjective. I can remember being 21 and thinking I was so smart and people that were 50 were ancient and not with it. Yet here I am hitting the big 50 and I don't really feel any older physically, just a heck of a lot smarter than I was at 21. Despite numerous gray hairs which I can color over and some wrinkles (laugh and worry lines that I earned) I would not change my life, or go back in time to when I was 21 for anything.

I have grown into someone totally different than I expected and I turned out better than I expected (probably better than alot of other people expected as well). In fact I am amazed!!

As I watch a lot of the younger students at the studio and see how mature and capable they are I am blown away when I think of the things that they will accomplish by the time they reach the big 50. Both my daughters at the age of 21 were hugely more mature and well adjusted and capable than I ever was at that age. Just think of the growth that they will have achieved by the time they are 50. The mind boggles.

So it is all just numbers, alot of the young students in our school are more mature and capable than many of my middle aged contemporaries. And as well those of us that have, or will soon, cross some of the higher numbers in years live busy, exciting, adventurous lives, we are people that keep open minds and positive attitudes. We are people that throw out and take on insane challenges (many people think that 1000 pushups and situps is an insane thing to do). We don't let a number hold us back.

So to anyone that for a moment worried about getting old, or if you get depressed on your birthday because its 30 plus, or 40 plus, or 50 plus, its just a number, its what you DO that counts.

Thanks to Sifu Wilson whose comments in the change room really made me THINK about this.

Dropped the Ball, Picked it up again!

The last time we spoke was January 30th and I was really looking forward to my girls getting back from China and completing or handing off a number of responsibilities. So here it is February 24th and I am back to being the safety officer/gopher at the office, my babies are home from China, we completed the last of the big reno (painting the upstairs) at 11:30 pm on Feb. 11th the night before the girls arrived back from China. All is right with the world, at least my tiny little portion of it.

As you no doubt noticed and I stated in the title, I dropped the ball on my requirements these last couple of weeks, but all is not lost I have picked it up again. Poorly focused I may be, but lazy or uncommitted I am not.

One of the things I have come to appreciate about this entire process is that even if I am falling behind in some areas I am still accomplishing way more than I would have if I had never tried / participated. So starting and stopping and restarting and so on ... is better than not starting / participating at all. So no matter how badly it is going or perhaps you haven't even started yet it will always be worth starting or restarting.


To bring you up to speed on my requirements, the situps are easy, maybe too easy, I will be talking to Master Brinker to maybe change that ... the push ups are getting done but they are NOT easy. Still behind in my requirements for Tai Chi. I will have to do the long form 20 times to catch up on my numbers, but now that I have so much more time I am expecting that this is do-able.

Took some extra dance classes with the senior instructor at the dance studio and improved significantly in a number of different dances. Same as with Kung Fu forms alot of the detailed techniques carry across through the whole style, for example all latin dances or all smooth dances. We started learning our solo Foxtrot routine for the big Dance Extravaganza in May (after the dragon challenge event). At this point it is just a bunch of steps with alot of styling and fine tuneing required.

One odd thing about taking both dancing and Kung Fu is that I heard alot about maintaing your centre (popular opinion is that in dancing your centre is maintained in your chest --- this is totally incorrect --- it is in the hips the same as kungfu) so dancing has actually helped with feeling and maintaing my centre no matter if I am doing Kung Fu or dancing. The issue that I have come across as a major difference is that in dancing you are required to straighten your leg to the point of locking the knee, something you NEVER do in Kung Fu. So after 10 years of Kung Fu conditioning, I am so far unable to change this for dancing. I will keep working on it.

Failed totally to get started in any significant way on the development of my form for the tiger challenge. So this and the Tai Chi Long form are top priority for the next little while.

I am lucky enough to have seen Sifu Brandi Beckett and Sehing Melanie Beckett practicing forms and other stuff that they learned over in China ... hopefully they will have the opportunity (before they go back to China to continue their study) to teach us some of what they have learned ... it looks pretty cool ...

Best regards ... talk to you next week.